The Art of Romance

Local Christian Bookstore

I must have picked up this book in a bargain bin a few years ago when I was trying really hard to be a "better Christian." It's not so much that I thought avoiding "inappropriate" media was going to make me a bad person, but that immersing myself in Christian media would remind me to be a better person. So I bought a bunch of Christian novels and listened to a lot of Christian radio. I still dig Christian radio (Mandesa and Toby Mac is what's up, I'm not even kidding), but I lost interest in Christian literature really quickly. There just isn't enough variety or quality in the sub-genre to keep me interested. Though I guess like most things, it helps to know what your preferences is. I've since wheedled it down to Christian history and historic fiction (of the biblical variety: The Red Tent was especially my kind of cat nip)

This is the 2nd or 3rd book in a series focused around a group of old church biddies who are trying to pair-up their single grandchildren. Like, I can't think of anything more horrifying, to be honest. In fact it says everything you need to know on the back cover blurb:

"Misconceptions Arise when Meddling Matriarchs Connive."

The last thing in the world that I want is for old ladies from church trying to set me up with their grandsons. "Oh, you're an artist? He's an artist!" No, I studied art in college, he paints dragons with his own blood." Nope! Not the same thing old gals. Not the same thing.
Okay, that was supremely inappropriate, but you get the idea. I don't think it's cute and endearing when old women meddle in my (anyone else who's single) romantic life. The idea that a woman can't possibly be happily single and it must be taken well in hand by someone who doesn't know her very well is a really grating thought. And here's an entire series centered around it! Please spare me.

And do you want me to be honest with you? I couldn't even finish this book. Initially I was like, "Well, at least it's loads better than The Deed," but then I realized it was too frustrating for entirely different reasons. After complaining about it to my Mom too many times she told me "Life is too short to be wasted on bad books." Good enough for me.
So as we can gather, this is about two cis-gendered adults, one is a good Christian girl, the other is a Bad Boy™ who hasn't been to church in years, has tattoos, and used to be a secular Romance novel cover illustrator. Now he's moved back home with his grandparents after a disastrous break-up with his department head, costing him his job. As far as I'm concerned, those last two things (losing his job & breaking up) were the serious problems, but apparently all of it is supposed to be proof that he's bad off. I feel like those were tiny issues, but the way they harped on it really got under my skin. I'm not sure they were actual problems. 
And Caylor's main issue is that she's single. Inconceivable! Also that she's tall, but mostly she's single. This needs to be fixed! Honestly, the two characters actually have some chemistry, and I think the novel could have progressed easily with them getting together and mending whatever "issues" through the magic of sugary sweet true love and strawberry scented Jesus power. But the deplorable "adorable" old ladies interfering was just too much for me. There was a point when one insisted that Caylor just DATE this guy (some rando from church) already. It doesn't matter if you like each other or have nothing in common except that you're both single! And seriously, Caylor, though she was aggravated, still handled that situation with much more generosity and patience than I ever would have.
I just couldn't anymore. I couldn't. I wanted to throw this book across the room too many times for me to finish it.

The Deed by Lynsay Sands

The Bank Ladies

In the building where I work there is a tiny bank branch on the ground floor. The two little old ladies who work there as tellers have noticed that I spend my breaks reading, and one day sent me a bag filled with their gently used books. It was very sweet of them, but through the act I learned that these women have very... singular tastes in literature. Thus, my collection of trashy romance novels grew. Rather than immediately taking them to my local thrift or used book store, I decided I would try to read some of them, Virginia. I try not to be one of those who makes fun of anyone's taste in books, but what works for one might not work for me. We're all allowed to enjoy something and get as much entertainment from making fun of it, too. See TLC reality tv for an example.
This is the one book in the entire bag in which the blurb basically told me right away that this was going to be the kind of cray-cray you can only find in Romancelandia. I knew I had to read. I knew I might need a bottle of aspirin nearby (I did), I knew I'd need to keep a notebook handy in case I had any snark to write down (I did - however I opted to write them directly into the books margins instead, thus "improving" the reading experiences of anyone who came after me). The Deed is what SBTB often refers to as "old skool" romances. There's a degree of "bwha?" and political incorrectness that readers today might not tolerate so lightly, but it was enough that in 1997 Lynsay Sands could build a new career for herself.
Oh yeah, I'm not saying that Romance novels being published new today aren't crazy-town banana-pants. But a Virgin Widow? That's the kind of trope you can only find in old skool romances. (Nowadays, it's gotten to be kind of a cliche in Romancelandia, so it's becoming a rarity.)
Yes, now you know the gimmick that attracted me to this particular book. Virgin Widows - how is that supposed to work? Gentle reader, I was dying to know.
Emma has sought the audience of the king to force her husband into giving her the deed. Not, we can assume, the deed of sale, to like, a car or a mobile home or whatever. Anyway, not long after her husband dies. How does someone remain married to a lady, we are assured, so very fetching but doesn't want to have sex with her, not even once? Romancelandia has an entirely different set of rules from Real Life American Physics, and that's the only thing I can think of to explain it. No one knows. Husbies #1 didn't talk much, and as a matter of fact poor communication, and sometimes a complete lack of communication is a huge issue in this book. Another theory? Maybe he was into the dudes. Just a thought.
Emma isn't allowed to enjoy virgin widowhood for very long, because now that she's caught the king's attention, he's already sent a replacement. New theory: the king is like Apple support or something. Bad theory - toss it out. Anyway, his reasoning is that if Emma doesn't remarry soon, her late husband's cousin will take claim of her and all of her wicked cool stuff. We don't want that. That guy is the worst.
Amaury is a buff, tuff warrior guy who, unlike our heroine, has lots of experience with the ladies. (Just for once I'd like to see the hero of a romance novel be, like, a weasely school teacher or something). They have to get married real fast because Cousin Bertrand is coming 'round. They're not even allowed a quick "How d'ya'do? Cute boots you're wearing." Nope, they have to jump in that bed and giggedy-giggedy. But remember, Emma is a virgin - to the degree that an adult woman should never be reasonably allowed to be. I mean (okay, this is my favorite part) she mistook Amaury's penis for a malformed 3rd leg. A 3RD LEG!!!!!! I mean... I mean... that's the goofiest shit I've seen in a long time. I laughed.
There are all these random near-death scrapes, and stupid misunderstandings that only teenagers who don't communicate - just make-out all the time - have. It was incredibly painful to read - I was grateful for my pet Asprin Bottle. It was so, so over done. I made a prediction: that the climax of the plot would be when Amaury finally admitted to Emma that he thought she was smart and pretty, and guess what I was right. This was far more important than they admit that they were in love with each other, which was an entire fiasco all it's own. (They repeatedly realized that they were falling in love with each other for the first time over and over again - this is why this books are for old ladies. They repeat themselves.)
Oh gosh, and then there was that weird rapey scene. I'm still not sure what to make of it. It came out of nowhere and was such an unpleasant surprise. It was... unconventional, let me say that. It was confusing, uncomfortable, and for the way Sands tried to excuse it, was completely unnecessary. 
"Sounds like bad writing."
Yeah, no kidding?





It was frustrating, insipid, goofy, forgettable, and but good for a laugh. It was like a junk food book - not the best thing I could get, but does in a pinch and it's satisfying for a little while. I guess we all like junk food every once in a while.

Caught in a Bad Romance: Saving Mrs. Claus

Source: Andrea B. &
Kindle eBook sharing

Remember how I said I was going to devote February - the month of Valentine's - to romance novels? Like, especially Bad ones? Well, it just so happened that my dear friend Andrea recommended and shared with me a Christmas romance novella via Kindle. I guess there is no season for awfulness. She found it on Amazon.com for free - probably because it was the Christmas holidays at time. But you know what else is free? Herpes. Luckily for you guys, now that Christmas is over, you get to pay for it!
I just want to take a little moment to mention that we live in a time when it is so easy for anyone to get their stuff out there. And that's great. The only problem is that we live in a time when it is so easy for anyone to get their stuff out there. Have no fear, fellow readers - the ebook market isn't likely to kill literature as we know it - so long as there are publishers who are willing to muck through the worst to bring us the best, we have nothing to worry about.

That said, I can't believe Andrea got me to read this. It really is as bad as you'd expect - but I'm going to be really generous and say that that's part of it's charm. In a lot of ways it reminds me of the cult classic movie Troll 2 - it's as riddled with plot-holes as a minefield is with death and distruction, the writing is so bad I'd swear that English is the author's 2nd language - either that or she sat down with a thesaurus and misused every synonym she could, and it is so blissfully unaware of it's self that it is unintentionally hilarious. This novella gave me headaches - it is a prime example of what Dorthy Parker meant when she said: "This is not a [book] to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
So you can probably gather that this is a romance novel about the origins of Mrs. Claus. The way Andrea sold it to me - it's about a girl who is so obsessed with Christmas that she is destined to marry into the Santa family line. We all know people who are obsessed with Christmas - heck, I know of a girl who walked down the aisle to Christmas carols during her fall wedding. I know people who had rooms built into their renovated homes just to keep Christmas decorations. Apparently, this girl puts all of them to shame. But this is also set in the beginning of the end of the world. And there's only one way that Kris Kringle can convince her to marry her: that they can save the world together.
When focusing on what made it terrible, I keep coming back to the blessed Engrish it seemed to be written in, but there's more. There's always more. Take for example (I'm going to go ahead and spoil the story for you, okay) There's a mysterious character known as Apocalypse Boy. Apparently we're supposed to know all about this little fucker from childhood fairy tales. I mean - come on! You can't tell me you don't remember "Apocalypse Boy and the Four Horsemen"? Hm. Well, it was dark. Probably German. Did I mention the dragons? You think I'm kidding about the dragons. There be dragons. And by the way, I don't mind telling you this, but the only way that they can save the world is by having sex together. If only that's really how sex worked. 

I would grade this book A for Atrocious - it's a shame, because the concept is really cute and if it had been worked over a little more it could have improved it so much. This is why you never sell your fist drafts, people! I probably still wouldn't have picked it for myself - I'm not the most Christmassy. But, eh.

Bonus Cover Critique! Okay, for as bad as the story is, the cover isn't actually that bad. Someone dropped some serious moolah-kaboolah on the cover art. I can see how browsing along on Amazon someone might pick this out of a dozen poorly photo-shopped jobs. But as they say, don't judge a book by it's cover.